i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
