WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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