This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
