I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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