if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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