i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize