So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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