Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
