and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
