I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
