She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
