Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
