I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
