If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
