I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
