am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
