Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
