quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
