how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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