There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
