Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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