so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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