lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
