According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
