I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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