oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
