Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize