I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
