I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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