I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
