If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
pray to the hookup gods
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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