i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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