don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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