is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
