Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize