Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
