what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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