Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
