We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
