dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
In America we eat man semen.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
