u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
