He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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