stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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