Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
A bitchslap is in order.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
