i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize