i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
