every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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