Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
