he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
