im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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