Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
