Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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