just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
