get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
