The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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