And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
