My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
